AAHS Geometry Teacher is Revealed to be a Communist Spy


Is Kimberly Madden a Communist Spy?

Many love and cherish AAHS geometry teacher Kimberly Madden. She is very reliable in terms of support and education, and many have befriended her. However, perhaps she is a little too nice for a teacher?

In a recent interview, Madden slipped in a shocking comment.

When asked, “What do you think of the current presidency?” Madden replied, “Putin will overtake these fools.”

Now, many would have missed something like this, but my gut told me that something was going on. I personally recall how Vladimir Putin is the president of Russia, and thought of the numerous allegations of  his collusion in the 2016 American election. Not to mention, Putin is a former KGB (Russian secret service) agent.

My instinct was to ask, “What in Pythagoras’s name are you talking about?” Her compelling response was, “I apologize comrade, but the Russian Federation is my motherland, and I could not help but reveal my passion due to my sheer anger for these political fools.”

She then proceeded to speak fluent Russian, something along the lines of “Нам нужен казахстан.” Using my intricate translation tools, I discovered that this meant “we need Kazakhstan.” I guess Madden is very upset about the loss of Kazakhstan from the Soviet Union.

However, this is up for interpretation.

I questioned Madden further, asking what she does to collect information for the Russian Federation.

“What do you think, идиот, I act friendly so these students will succumb to my charisma! My charm simply has them speaking of all the gossip and drama in their lives and their education! Sadly, it’s useless,” Madden replied. Madden apparently called me an idiot, it hurt a little bit.

However, she proceeded to mention one of her former students, AAHS junior Bailey Persson. She proceeds to describe his shared patriotism for the Federation.

“Of course, Persson? I love that child, very good to talk to, and he always eats my борщ. I always knew my soup was delicious, but I always see him going to the bathroom with it, strange he eats it in the bathroom so quickly. But nonetheless, he shares his pride in the Federation through his ownership of a flag of the Soviet Union. I have endless respect for him,” Madden commented. 

Persson, a close friend, often seems to visit Madden during lunch; this explains a lot.

Persson could not be reached for a comment.

However, I became highly concerned about the safety of the nation and the students. I immediately reached security. Madden was swiftly detained and arrested; she  currently resides in an undisclosed location.

During her arrest, Madden was yelling about the rise of Putin and his sheer power and her delicious soup.

Through all this, one question remains: How could someone fit in so well into society as a Russian native? A question that may or may not ever be answered.

Note:  All content in this article, including interviews, are satirical works of fiction for the Jetstream Journal’s April Fool’s Day edition. Kimberly Madden and Bailey Persson are not communists.