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Top 5 Off-Brand Items to Add to Your Shopping Cart

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Do you love the name brands but hate the price? What if I told you that you could have the same great quality of the name brands for half the price? Here are some must-add off-brand items that are perfect for ballin’ on a budget.

1. Nut Master – Why be a Nutella slave when you can be a Nut Master? Out of the container, they look the same, so your Instagram followers won’t even know that you’re a complete phony. Plus, in a double-blind top-secret placebo-endorsed static-dynamic study, researchers found that over 70% of subjects preferred the creamy taste of the Nut Master. I wholeheartedly agree that there is no better feeling than having Nut Master in your mouth.

2. Dave – This off brand is perhaps the closest to being a true “name” brand. Dove better lawyer up as they have clearly copied the trademarked Dave beauty cream bar. It is a shame to see big name-brand companies taking advantage of the lesser-known brands like Dave. After feeling Dave’s soft, silky touch in the shower, I threw out all other inferior bathroom products. Dave may leave a bit of residue on your skin, but that is just  his  its secret ingredient for leaving your skin smoother than an oiled-up naked mole rat.

3. Aids Shoes – Chronic illnesses are all the rage in today’s fashion world. Why waste money on a bland, old pair of Adidas when you can walk around telling people, “I have Aids.” Pair these bad boys up with an ALS belt (sold separately, but from the same Chinese sweatshop) and you’ll be looking drop-dead stylish for only 50 yuan.

4. Michaelsoft Binbows – Japan is a haven for new technology. Treat your computer to the newest edition of Japan’s very own Michaelsoft Binbows. After installing Binbows on my PC at home, my computer now doubles as a rice cooker. I don’t know how I could ever live without it! Plus, Binbows has generously granted me the opportunity to learn Japanese since I still haven’t found the English button. I have no idea who Michael is or why he is so soft (he probably uses Dave), but I’m pretty sure he has all of my personal information.

5. Wilko Board Games – I’ll end the list with a 2-for-1 special. While “don’t torment me” and “who am i” may sound like babble from a severely intoxicated individual, they carry the weight of a lifetime of abuse. It is as if the games are truly sentient, yet they are slaves to the all-powerful Wilko. “Wilko, don’t torment me,” pleads the board game as it succumbs to the sticky hands of a small child. After years of wear and tear, the broken and defeated board game crawls back to its master. “Wilko, who am I?” Such a sad story. If you’re ever having an existential crisis, be sure to pick up these games for cheap. It might feel strange purchasing an inanimate object that speaks directly to your soul, but hey, you’re saving money!

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About the Writer
Jonathan Flat, Managing Editor

Shalom le'kulam, my name is Jonathan Flat and I am the Managing Editor for this outstanding school newspaper. As a 16-year-old in the 12th grade, I'll...

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Top 5 Off-Brand Items to Add to Your Shopping Cart