My fellow Kadets, I come to you with a heavy heart. In a recent District 20 summit with district and school administration, the future of AAHS and the district as a whole was discussed. Starting next year, this school will not the same. I am not talking about the addition of a coffee bar or a remodeled B building. No, these changes are far greater and far worse.

Starting in the 2018-19 school year, you will no longer be an Air Academy Kadet. You will be an Air Academy Duck. Due to recent events in the political sphere, District 20 has been making pushes to make school mascots more politically correct and less offensive. District administrators deemed that the Kadet mascot promoted violent behavior with the club that the Kadet carried. The District also disliked the spelling of the mascot as it promotes the use of many controversial alliterations by students.

While you may be upset, just know that you are not alone. The Pine Creek Eagles are now the Pine Creek Emus because the district does not want to promote the violent behavior of Eagles; and that the national bird of the US should not be used for “sophomoric and unpatriotic reasons.” The fate of Eagleview’s mascot is still being determined. While many Kadets will be angry to see this change, the athletes of the school can be relieved to know that every school sport will be getting new uniforms featuring the new AAHS livery.

Speaking of livery, the school administrators decided that the blue and silver concoction that are our school colors are going to have to go. The dull colors have been found to discourage and tire students. Instead, they are opting for a more vivacious and stylish hot pink and lime green color combination. Studies have found that brighter atmospheres allow students to perform better academically. The walls, hallways, and facilities will be painted accordingly as well to promote our new colors.

There will also be many structural changes to Air Academy. You can say goodbye to the K-Dome. Due to high operational costs, the district has opted to move all AAHS home games to the District 20 stadium at Liberty High School. You can expect to see a demolition team on school grounds to dismantle the risers and lights of the K-Dome in the spring of 2019. To replace the K-Dome, the district allocating funds and plans to use the land to construct a new F Building (E is being skipped to replicate the grading scale) during the 2020-21 school year. This new F Building will house special education classrooms along with a swimming pool and related facilities.

In addition to these new changes, there will be several additions and revisions made to the trusty old student handbook. The first addition is the prohibition of all old school apparel or anything that relates to the old and bigoted ways of the AAHS of the past. Failure to adhere to this new dress code will result in a firm educational session with the dean of students about your fashion sense.

The handbook is also going to prohibit the use of jewels. No, not Juuls, jewels. The administration believes that students with their flashy bling discourage and invoke jealousy in less fortunate students. If you are caught with a jewel, the administration will replace your precious stones with a new, sponsored, AAHS pink and green Juul that you will be required to use in the men’s bathroom over by Mrs. Anderson’s room (Room 504) during every passing period. While you are down there, make sure to stop by Mrs. Anderson’s room and sign up for journalism since the school will also be banning the current journalism class for being too controversial.

Editor’s Note: April Fools! This article is for humor purposes only, please do not perceive anything written inside to be factual, as it is meant entirely for your entertainment.