As Valentine’s day appears, many people have come to the realization that maybe Bradley who spends all of his allowances on dope car mod’s might not be your soulmate that you miraculously met at 16, or maybe Stephanie from Physics is not the one you’re destined to marry. So what do you do?

1. Fake your death. An easy way to escape a dead relationship is to just die. But not really, pack all your clothes and move to Mexico, don’t leave a note, frame your ex-significant other for your ‘death’ and drop off the face of the earth. You can never contact your family again but it’s worth avoiding that awkward “It’s not you, it’s me” conversation.
2. Become a ghost. It is so distressing to calmly and maturely discuss the conclusion of a relationship with a significant other, so don’t. Delete your social media and change your number, throw away your Nintendo DS so they can’t Pictochat you. This is way simpler than talking it out.
3. Text them. Face to face conversations are so 2017. A quick text like “I’m leaving u 🙂 see u l8r” is a classic. Everyone knows that the written word is so much more expressive and truly gets the sensitive nature of the situation across.
4. Have your friend break up for you. Too nervous to talk? Ask your friend to do it for you. We all remember the classic chain of “Stephan told Jerome, who told Jennifer, to tell me that Todd is breaking up with you.” What better way to emphasize the cold distances developed in your relationship than to replicate through a talk chain break up. It’s just like middle school, which everyone knows is the peak of human emotional development.
5. Pretend it didn’t happen. Are you over your relationship and wish it didn’t exist? Pretend it didn’t and ignore your significant other until they get the hint. They definitely will, and it will not be a source of drama and contention for the rest of your life.
6. Parental intervention. Trying to get out of a relationship, but don’t want to hurt their feelings? Blame your parents. Even if it took them a year to realize it, they simply do not want you to be happy anymore and refuse to let you even be friends with your significant other. They want you to focus on more important things like cleaning your room, walking the dog, and completing homework.
7. Fake a head injury and claim memory loss. A good example of this technique can be seen in the Nicholas Sparks movie ‘The Vow’. Basically, claim you have brain damage and you cannot even remember your first name, let alone theirs. Say sorry and that you are trying to find yourself again and can’t be involved with a stranger.
8. Escape the country and send a selfie or a postcard. Take that dream vacation the two of you always fantasized about, but save your money and go without them. Make sure the postcard has an extreme amount of emotional value to your significant other and let them know you are doing just fine without them.
9. Announce a bromance. Admit to your significant other that the entire time you were together, you were really just trying to get to know their brother or sister. Announce your love for their sibling the next time they invite you over to their house for one of those awkward family dinners.
10. Make a slideshow! Create a powerpoint with images and slides of all the reasons your relationship is less than stellar. Put your flashdrive on a lanyard, hang it around their neck, and say nothing. Be sure to include creative slide transitions as you are about to creatively transition into a new you! Maybe add some dope background tunes to go along with it, my suggestions include We Are Never Getting Back Together by breakup icon Taylor Swift. What better way to share that graphic design is your passion?

In order to ensure that you have an awesome Valentines Day and a successful, smooth breakup, feel free to follow literally any of the above ten relationship ending methods. Pick the perfect way to declare your independence from Henry, the overly clingy, or clammy-handed Andrea. Good luck!

(The author is not responsible for any broken property including hearts, limbs, noses and/or reputations.)