We are disappointed yet obliged to announce that the Jetstream Journal is officially part of the fake news phenomenon. It is with a heavy heart that we henceforth expose ourselves as the deplorable sludge that we are.

Journalism, collectively, has been on the decline for a while now. Reporting the news and informing the populace is among the least honorable duties a person can perform.

Indeed, journalists do not strive to report the truth. Rather, they twist and corrupt the news with charged diction that conveys their own voice and opinion. We the people deserve that which is unbiased–and by “unbiased” I mean holding the same types of opinions we do.

Why should news challenge our preconceived notions and beliefs? The duty of journalists is merely to make Americans feel good about their political decisions, not to question them! We, as journalists, have long since strayed from our divine path.

Our entire office has fallen prey to scandal and corruption. In her so-called “news” article Trouble in Paradise: Tensions Between the President and Congress journalist Leilani Hammonds used charged, partisan diction to contribute to her smear tactics.

She described “tensions” between Congress and the president when really their relationship can truthfully be described as a minor disagreement akin to the squabbling of a married couple. This exaggeration of the truth only pushes the agenda of American divisiveness. It’s not as if we are living in one of the most politically divided times in American history…Right?

Furthermore, Hammonds notably excluded the exact time to the millisecond of Trump’s inauguration. What is she hiding? Who is she really working for? These questions permeate the once tranquil office of the Jetstream Journal, wafting alongside the scent of coffee and cheap pancake mix.

And Hammonds is not the only one found to have been coerced into the slimy grasp of fake news.

Venturing into even more hard-hitting news, journalist Michael Boe’s piece Breaking News: Radios Play Garbage is riddled with intentional inaccuracies and deceptive diction. For example, Boe takes Lil’ Pump’s “Gucci Gang” lyrics completely out of context. In doing so, he intentionally stages the artist to appear contrite and mindless when actually the lyrics retain a completely different and philosophically rich meaning when understood in the song.

All the complex commentary on a warped materialistic society was lost on Boe as he proceeded to present his misguided conclusions as facts. Lil’ Pump has since sued the Jetstream Journal for slander.

And yet, our twisted tale of woes does not end there, for corruption has slithered beyond the print, ensnaring the class in its sticky grasp like an expired Fruit Rollup. Higher ups at the Jetstream have been caught interacting with all sorts of unsavory political characters who are–no doubt–influencing the so-called “unbiased news.”

Recently, Jetstream Managing Editor Kaitlyn Waynick was found with Vladimir Putin, allegedly attempting to secure him as a sponsor for the paper.

An anonymous witness claimed her Russian accent was “surprisingly refined.”

Additionally, Copy Editor Hillary Schiff was predictably embezzling funds to the Clinton foundation. Looks like yet another Crooked Hillary in the media.

In response to all this, the Jetstream Journal has finally decided that it’s time to–as they say–drain the swamp. The Jetstream Journal will officially be closing its metaphorical and literal doors after this final issue on April 1st.

This is a satirical piece that is–ironically enough–FAKE NEWS! Not to worry, the Jetstream Journal is alive and well and will not be closing any doors, metaphorically or literally, any time soon! Happy April Fools!