Hello, there. I just got back from reading a report by a prominent political scientist who researched very important political topics, and I have some things I want to tell you. Let’s get something straight: after 2016, there has been a clear abolition of facts. For instance, we now know that gun control doesn’t stop gun violence. While at the same time, gun control greatly reduces gun violence. But the most obvious fact of all is that eating blue colored food inspires teens to join ISIS. This result just came out of my research firm Syndicated. Coalition. of American. Marketers. or S.C.A.M. We now know for sure that 78% of all children that eat blue colored foods will begin to view and believe ISIS propaganda online.

What this implies is that we need immediate action to ban all blue-colored foods to prevent more kids from joining ISIS. I can’t believe that our lazy politicians aren’t acting on our unbiased information we’ve put out there for the public good! We need people out on the streets to save our children and save lives! There’s no room for fact deniers here. Blue foods, according to our in-depth analytical study, will just turn more people into ruthless killing machines.

From a more analytical perspective, the age of consumption of blue foods is very important. Young people are ten times more likely to be swayed towards jihadist propaganda than older people who consume blue-colored foods. The type of food is also very important. For instance, the most harmful food to mental health is blue-colored phones, whereas blueberries are a mild risk, and cordon bleu was essentially harmless. I cannot comment on blue cheese since it wasn’t part of the study.

Aside from the data on blue foods, we also have alarming new data that says that people no longer believe in institutions as much as they used to. This is clearly because of the insertion of propaganda into society. Why else would anyone ever want to deny information put forward by organizations like S.C.A.M., who are incapable of presenting biased or untrue information? After all, they make the facts, and facts cannot be refuted whatsoever.

There is no bias in our political firms, research firms, or fact-check organizations. So people definitely aren’t repulsed by the constant abuse of power and ignorance of cable news citing these sources; it’s unthinkable! Especially since such fine establishments have taken information from reliable sources such as Reddit and 4chan! Perhaps we’ll never know why anyone would question the reliability of institutions while the country is so divided and in dire need of the facts!

Editor’s Note: April Fools! This article is for humor purposes only; please do not perceive anything written inside to be factual, as it is meant entirely for your entertainment.