For a majority of us Kadets, we are planning to attend a college of some sort. While this may seem to be an easy task, there is more than meets the eye. They say that in order to be truly happy in life, you need to attend the college that is a perfect match for you. I am here to say that those words are entirely true as you can only be successful if you have the perfect college, and success equals happiness. Now don’t sweat it, I am also here to show you the light and provide an amazing guide that will help you pick your college.

When first looking at colleges, you must take a look at the name of the college. The name is super important because it provides plenty of insight into what that college is like. The name is comparable to a first impression in a way. Now, if you are thinking about a college like Colgate, stop. There is probably nobody who is right-minded on this planet who thinks that Colgate is a good name. That college is probably full of pretty boys who constantly brush their teeth and play croquet or something lame. That’s not cool.

You wanna know what is cool? A college with a name like Princeton is what. If you are thinking about going to Princeton, I can already tell that you are cooler than me since you are pretty much royalty. The length of the name matters too. It is a must that you have to stick with a college with a concise and crisp name. A name like The Pennsylvania State University New Kensington Campus of the Commonwealth College makes me want to fall asleep and I don’t want to spend half a day to recite an essay everytime somebody asks me what college I attend. Time is money after all.

After you have carefully picked a college with a good name, you must consider the mascot. This is key as the mascot is who will represent you for the rest of your life. Do you wanna be known as a mighty owl? Well, you shouldn’t because owls are pretty stupid and they have a flat face. Plus, nobody is going to give a hoot if you went to a college where the mascot is an owl. You have to think about a mascot that is true and tested. Take the dolphin for example. They are an awesome mascot (even if you have to go to Florida, god forbid). Dolphins can swim, they can make clicking noises, and most importantly, they are actually pretty smart even if they don’t know how to walk.

Now once you have the name and mascot out of the way, you can finally get into the nitty-gritty of it all. The first stop in the in-depth part of your journey to find the perfect college is the lifestyle. Since lifestyle is a broad term, I will break it up into multiple sections.

The first aspect of lifestyle that you must consider is the statistics. The most important statistic is the male to female ratio. If you’re a guy, you don’t wanna go to a college that is a complete sausage fest, unless you are into that kind of stuff. Take Embry–Riddle Aeronautical University, for example. This school is comprised of 88.22% men. This is nowhere close to the perfect 50-50 that colleges wish to have. And to think that I even considered going there.  A more desirable place for any guy would be something like Pacific Oaks College in Pasadena, CA, with the student body being 95.95% babes. Now that’s what I’m talking about.

This rule still applies to women as you ladies will want to go to a college where there are plenty of boys who are willing to crack open a cold one with you. You don’t want to be left out and lonely. This is an important factor since everybody wants to feel wanted, and the best way to feel wanted is to be in short supply. This is simple economics.

Another lifestyle aspect when determining the perfect college is the parties. You don’t want to go to a college where Bingo night is the hottest thing on campus. No, you want to go to a college where there are true frat parties. If there aren’t dudes passed out on the roof and if the music can’t be heard from halfway across campus, that is not a party. It gets even better when the campus security is cool enough to join in on the festivities. To help you find the best party school, Princeton, yes, Princeton, released a study on the best party schools in the US. At the top of that list is the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Given that there is nothing else to do in that cheese-filled frozen wasteland, it is no surprise that they must resort to partying. Also for all of you prospective CU Boulder students/party animals, it is no longer on Princeton’s list for top party schools anymore due to recent pushes by CU’s administration to change the reputation of the school. I am as disappointed as you are, believe me.

Another great aspect of the lifestyle is the job opportunities on campus. Whether it is a fast food job or a university-sponsored job, there are plenty of jobs available and they all have their benefits. If you are a really hard worker, perhaps the Kim-Il Sung Military University located in sunny North Korea is the place for you. One of the great things about this school is that they have plenty of labor programs available. Just don’t mess up!

While everyone says to follow your dreams and success will come, I can tell you that is completely false. Name one passionate philosophy major that has actually been successful. Exactly, I am right and you are wrong. This being said, follow your dreams, as long as there is money involved. You can’t buy food with a passion. So pick a college that will give you the big bucks.

I hope this guide will help you determine which college you will go to, even if most of you will just go to some basic college like CU Boulder or CSU or UCCS. Good job seniors for staying alive for 4 years.