Oh boy! Another day of December and another Jetstream Journal article to read! In our 12 days of Christmas, the overlords of the Jetstream Journal saw it fit that I should write an article for all of you boys and girls. So, in the great spirit of the holidays, I am going to use this article to ruin all of your favorite Christmas/Holiday characters. To do this, I went to the halls of Air Academy and asked students who they think our favorite characters look like. Here is a collection of my favorite student responses and some that I thought of with my own deranged mind.

1. Santa Claus – Donald Trump

Wow, you probably never saw this one coming. Anyways, the President of the United States of America is a perfect fit for good Ole St. Nick. Like Santa, Mr. Trump is at the head of a large, international corporation that delivers goods to people all around the world. They are both old men who are really rich and decide to spend all of their money giving gifts to people. Also like Santa, Trump employs many little elves (employees or government workers) who do all of his biddings. They can also relate in that they are from and live in frozen hellholes, the North Pole and New York. People also write letters to both Trump and Claus throughout the year; however, I imagine that the current letters addressed to Trump are not as positive or nice as the ones written to Claus.

2. Ebenezer Scrooge – Kim Jong Un

Another perfect match. Our favorite old man with our favorite dictator (besides my managing editors of course). To begin, they are both very isolated from the world around them and have no regard for other humans. They also are willing to disregard their loved ones for materialistic objects. For Scrooge, he was willing to let go of his fiance, Belle, for money. Kimmy is on a similar page as he killed both his uncle and half-brother in order to secure his title as the Supreme Leader of North Korea. While one may be a little more extreme (looking at you Scrooge), they both sacrificed in order to gain what was valuable to them (shoutout to all of those AP Lit kids who wrote an APQ about that). Maybe one day, Mr. Un will find it somewhere in his nuclear-powered heart to find that Christmas Spirit like Scrooge did and maybe feed his country or at least not be as crazy as he is.

3. Snow Miser – Richard Spencer

One of the more controversial matches on our list: Snow Miser and Richard Spencer. Many call him a white supremacist; however, Snow Mi… I mean Richard Spencer prefers to be labeled as an identitarian. Either way, both of them like the color white for different reasons that I’m not going to discuss here. They are also both dreaming of a white Christmas. Both characters seem to have it rough as they have their own problems. Snow Miser has to constantly battle his half-brother, Heat Miser, and cannot go to warm places because he will melt. Richard Spencer, on the other hand, cannot go to over 20 European Countries including the United Kingdom and Switzerland because he has been banned from them. At least Spencer can still go visit Snow Miser in the Arctic, for now.

4. The Grinch – Ajit Pai

Here is a match suggested by 2-time Air Academy Homecoming Royalty, Brett Boyle (he requested that I add his title. What can I do? He is royalty after all). The Grinch and Mr. Pai really do have a connection: they want to take away something from everybody. The Grinch wants to take away Christmas while Pai wants to take away net neutrality. Both Christmas and net neutrality are ideas loved by everybody around the world (even though 99% of people including myself probably didn’t even know what net neutrality was before the FCC announced that it could go away). With the Grinch, he eventually had an epiphany and realized that Christmas was not just about presents. As far as I can see, however, Mr. Pai will have no epiphany anytime soon unless the angry populous beats it into him.

5. Mrs. Claus – Martha Stewart

This match is one that could be seen from a mile away. To start, they are both famous for cooking. With Martha Stewart hosting a cooking show with Snoop Dogg and Mrs. Claus known for cooking with the elves, there is no surprise that there are some ‘baked’ goods somewhere in this comparison. It is up to you to determine who is on Santa’s naughty list but whoever you pick; they definitely know how to get into the holiday spirit. Despite baking, Mama Martha looks like a great fit for the Mrs. Claus title. Take one look at her and tell me that she doesn’t remind you of Mrs. Claus and especially the one from Rudolph: The Year Without Santa.

6. John McClane – John McCain

Now before you pick up your phone and scream at me (I was gonna put my phone number here but I apparently can’t do that), I am going to count Die Hard as a Christmas movie since it takes place on Christmas Eve. Anyways, this match was suggested by John Perry and features our two favorite action-packed heroes. I honestly have troubles telling them apart. They both have big tempers and they both are fighting other people. McClane is fighting terrorists from Germany while McCain is fighting the ‘terrorists’  that is the representatives, senators, and politicians of the Democratic, and sometimes even the Republican parties. What a stud!

7. The Ghost of Christmas Past – The Ghost of George Michael

Last Christmas (Eve), he gave us his heart; but the very next day, he died of heart disease. As careless as that last whisper of mine was, we can all agree that George Michael definitely deserves to be compared to the Ghost of Christmas Past. The Ghost of Christmas Past has that whole fire and candle thing going on while George Michael has the fire in his heart that was his true passion for being a musician. However, they are both never gonna dance again as the Ghost of Christmas Past was extinguished by Scrooge/Kimmy and George Michael is…well, you know. I’m gonna move on now.

8. Leon the Snowman – David Letterman

A match recommended by Christina Szybist, Leon the Snowman (AKA Frosty’s cooler brother who is portrayed by Leon Redbone) can be easily complimented by David Letterman. Both have the same shaped glasses, stylish facial hairstyles, and vocal chords that will make anybody fall into a deep trance. They both have traveled the world and are well educated from their previous experiences. David Letterman’s signature also indicates that he has the handwriting skills of an animate snowman so there is that.

9. Buddy the Elf – Will Farrell

This match seems to be too perfect. I can’t quite figure out why though. Could they be twins? They look exactly alike and seem to have the same personality. They are both high energy and are well loved by anyone they are around. But seriously, this match is so good that it is scary. If any of you could tell me why this is so perfect, I would love to know…

I couldn’t find any pictures of Buddy the Elf that wouldn’t get me sued for copyright infringement. So I decided to have no picture since you can’t have one without the other :/

10. Rudolph – The Dead Deer I Found Under My Deck A Few Months Ago

Now I know that you are probably wondering, “Why did he put a dead deer to compare to Rudolph…That deer isn’t famous!”; however, I can assure you that poor Bambi (yes, I named it Bambi) was famous in my heart and soul. Besides, what else am I going to compare to Rudolph? He is a reindeer after all. Now, on to the comparison. While Rudolph may have a red nose, Bambi had a red torso, and legs, and head (he was torn apart by a mountain lion so what can I say) so that just makes him like 10x better than Rudolph. Like Rudolph, Bambi can also fly, in the form of ashes as Bambi’s body was taken away to be incinerated or something like that. I miss Bambi.

Well congratulations, you somehow made it through this really weird article that I wrote. I would give you a reward but I don’t want to, so… yeah. Anyways, Happy Holidays from me and at least 3% of the Jetstream Journal staff and I hope you enjoy the other articles that are to be published EVERY DAY until we run out of ideas or stories.

Well, why are you still here? You already read the article. This is the end. You have already read 1687 words, why go on? Go take a walk in the park or ask somebody out or something. I don’t know. It’s not my life.