Let me set the scene for you; it is a beautiful August 14 in the grand year of 2016. The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting, the 70,178 fans that are jam-packed into Levi’s Stadium are drunk and happy. It seems to be a perfectly normal, American day; however, what happened next was something that nobody was prepared for. Everything changed when trendsetter and quarterback superstar, Tom Bra…I mean Peyton Ma…no, no, I mean Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem (I would just like to point out that my computer’s grammar check wanted to change Kaepernick to Pumpernickel). While many may not believe this is a big deal, there are others who are enraged about some dude placing his knee, wrapped in the skin-tight spandex leggings that they call a football uniform, on the ground. Ever since the day of reckoning, this country has never been the same.

When Kaepernick first started kneeling, nobody knew what he was doing. People just kind of nodded and let him do his thing, like that one weird kid in your class that always wanted to smell your socks or the other kid who would constantly rant about communism in New Caledonia in your chemistry class: you just kind of let them do what they want and you don’t ask questions. Was he kneeling because he was exhausted from that crazy party he had last night and needed to catch his breath? Many people thought he was kneeling because somebody was hurt. Turns out, the only thing that was hurt when Kaepernick kneeled was the ability for people to not break out into complete chaos over a small gesture. Ever since the actions of Kaepernick, a wave of kneeling football players has been sweeping the country. It is the biggest thing to happen since Will Smith released his hit track, Gettin’ Jiggy With It.

With the rise of this phenomenon, we must dig into the deeper meanings of this kneeling sensation. When asked by the mainstream media in a press conference about his actions, Kaepernick replied with, “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color.” Yes, the African American who made over $39 million in the past 3 years is living in this country is being oppressed. If owning a $2.7 million home in San Jose, CA along with a $3.21 million condo in New York, NY while driving around an upgraded Jaguar F-Type means that you are oppressed, then please oppress me.

Soon after Kaepernick put the knee down, many others followed. Players such as Demaryius Thomas, Kenny Stills, and Marcus Peters have all thrown down their knees into this cause. The kneeling ordeal has even spread to other sports including croquet and toe wrestling, two sports that are famous somewhere. Because this movement is so big, they need a name. I like to call them the ‘bendy boys,’ but you can call them whatever you like.

With this much controversy, there is no doubt that there are consequences for when the bendy boys play their weird game of the hokey pokey. Brandon Marshall put his knee in, and he lost his sponsorships with CenturyLink and Air Academy Federal Credit Union. That was an action that will cost him millions. You could say he is gonna kneed to find a new way to make money. Colin Kaepernick was let go by the 49ers and is currently a free agent. While many believe that this is because of his protest, I want to believe it was just because he was a bad quarterback. I mean seriously, with a completion rate of 59.8% and only 70 touchdowns in his 6 years of playing, there is no doubt as to why he was cut. Chad Henne, the backup quarterback for the Jaguars, a team so irrelevant that even the players forget the team exists, has better stats than Kaepernick. Heck, my non-existent 10-year-old son could pull better stats than Kaepernick. Way to go Timmy!

For all of those who are opposed to the kneeling and are so far satisfied with this article as I have been bashing the bendy boys, now it’s your turn.

Many people have decided to burn all of their football fan gear as a way of telling the players that they don’t agree with what they are doing. While it makes for some cool footage on social media, have any of you thought that burning your football gear is not the best idea? The average football jersey costs around $80. I can buy 16 bacon-scented air fresheners or 2 Daddles, a saddle you can use to ride your dad like a horse, with $80. But hey, whatever floats your boat. There have also been reports of fans booing the players who have been kneeling during the national anthem. I get it that you don’t want the players to disrespect the flag, but have you people thought that booing during the national anthem is just as disrespectful? Players may also confuse your boos with moos and if the Steeler’s wide receiver, Cobi Hamilton is around, things might get weird. Also with Halloween around the corner, we don’t want to scare the players with our booing as they still have a full game to play. Nothing is worse than having to engage in full physical contact with a bunch of other dudes drenched in sweat while being scared. Trust me, it just makes things much more complicated. Wait, what? I used to play basketball, I swear.

While this kneeling seems to be impacting the nation as a whole, we must take a step back and see how this event is impacting Air Academy High School. I have received unconfirmed reports from mostly sketchy sources that there are students at our very own school who are kneeling during the Pledge of Allegiance. If this is the case, it is safe to say that the school has been lost to the new trend. I give it a week, tops, before everyone, including myself is putting that knee down on the dirty floors of Air Academy. I’m kidding, the janitors do a great job of cleaning the floors. But seriously, this kneeling is more infectious than the measles. Now many of you may be thinking “Well, hey now, Jake, you seem to have a pretty pessimistic view towards this whole kneeling thing. Is there anything good that you see coming out of this?” I’m glad you asked, random reader. Why yes, I do see one good thing coming out of Kneelcon 2017. If everybody decides to kneel, we could get rid of all of the desks in the school and put that money into more Kadet Koffee coupons for the students.

Now whether you are one with the kneeling revolution or you are a strict traditionalist, we can all agree that none of this actually matters since it is literally a game where sweaty dudes tackle each other, and they can kneel if they want. Nobody likes football players anyways so let them do what they want. Jeez.