Gold, cars, money, fame. It’s all part of the job description for the Trump family. Being the heir to a 3.5 billion dollar net worth family is, undoubtedly, the ideal situation for any kid. I want to have the Trump surname more than anything in the world, and I’ll tell you know why.

Let’s start with the Trump children we know of: Ivanka, Eric, Donald Jr., Tiffany, and Barron. Ivanka, Eric, and Donald Jr. are all from the same mom, Ivana Trump, but they had similar upbringings to Tiffany, whose mother, Marla Maples, is different but still very loving to them all. We’ll get to Barron later.

These kids probably had the best childhood in the world. To begin, sources say they all had their own pets that they got to pick out themselves. Being the children of a billion dollar genius businessman and playboy philanthropist, they got to choose any animal in the world.

Donald Jr., the rascal that he is, chose a snow leopard because he wanted to sleep with its fluffy coat every night. He named it Jenkins and it lived to the ripe old age of 28 before passing away (RIP Jenkins).  Eric was a tender soul so he went with a more adoring creature, the Giant Panda. Yes, at the time the Panda was an endangered species but that was no problem for Daddy Trump as he was great friends with Chyna back then. The Panda’s name was Qian, which means money in Mandarin. Next was Ivanka, oh sweet and beautiful Ivanka. She went with the exotic Pigmy Hippo for her companion. Her name was Bubbles and they were fast friends, doing everything together. Finally, Tiffany chose to adopt a unicorn as a perfect reflection of her magical personality. Her legendary creature, named Unicorn, roamed on open plains and let Tiffany ride her anytime she wanted.

Not only this, but when they were growing up they had anything at their fingertips with the help of the three-person staff that followed their every move. They each had their own personalized butler, maid, and bodyguard. Needless to say, they did not have to do a lot of chores or dirty work in their younger years.

The house they all grew up in was the ideal place for a kid growing up.  The 66,000 square foot home included two bowling alleys, three swimming pools, an indoor ropes course, a full-sized basketball court, two squash courts, an indoor soccer field, an ice skating rink, a climbing wall, and four personalized movie theaters for every child.

Their rooms were similarly large and perfect for each child, but they only spent a fraction of the time there. The majority of their life was spent outside in the 44-acre yard they loved.  They were all often playing with their beloved father when he was lucky enough to be home and not out on business. You could also find them sneaking treats in the huge kitchen staffed by four world-renowned chefs.

Seriously, there is no better situation a child could have as they grow up. It’s really a shame they had to move out and set out on their own.  This is just the amazing parenting abilities of our 45th president. He sent them on their way with a small loan of a million dollars, and they just have to find a way to make a way for themselves.

Now on to the youngest Trump child, Barron.  He has lived just as lavish of a life as his older step brothers and sisters, but he has had to do it all in the lens of the media.

Donald Trump decided that he had to tone down the exuberance of his child’s life as to not make the other little boys and girls of the world jealous. It is truly a testament to his character. Sure Barron still gets his own pet, but he opted for an innocent puppy out of his dad’s good wishes. He might enjoy some of the same pleasures as his older siblings behind closed doors, but as far as we are concerned, the house they are living in now does not have the same amenities.

Let’s not forget the name of that little house he is calling home right now, oh yeah, the freaking White House. If you think being surrounded by awesome secret service personnel and Washington DC’s finest politicians isn’t completely radical, then you obviously aren’t cool enough to live there. Being a part of America’s royal family makes up for all the cool features of the other four children’s childhood that he cannot have.

Overall, I’m sure we can agree that being cared for by Trump, or TrumpCare, is completely awesome. We all want TrumpCare in our lives. Having TrumpCare is the best thing that can happen to a person, hands down. Now if only it would pass.