Every year, people across the country conjure up their New Year’s Resolutions in an effort to better themselves in a specific aspect of their lives.  There are the classics: hit the gym, cut out junk food, quit smoking, etc.  People profoundly believe that with this change of a calendar year, they should in some way make a change to their daily routine.  I don’t understand this peculiar ritual.

According to real_facts_that_aren’t_made_up.com over 99% of all New Years Resolutions fail within the first two weeks.  People discover the commitment of their resolution and back down immediately upon any hardships.  And the few New Years Resolutions that slip through the cracks are minuscule accomplishments like walk a block every day or don’t leave the toilet seat up as much.  As you will learn in this article, the latter are genius.

Everyone can fulfill their declaration with this one easy step: set the bar low.  As low as it can go.  This New Years, resolve to brush your teeth more or put your shoes on the correct foot every time.  When you complete these mundane tasks your self-confidence will go right through the roof, I promise.  You will have completed your resolutions before everyone else has even had time to decide to give up on their own.  You’ll be the envy of all your friends.

There is also a flip side to this method.  Instead of setting the bar low, raise it overwhelmingly high.  Examples of high bars might include, resolving for it to rain more, to win the lottery more often, or the incredibly impossible fitting a USB cord into the port on your first try.  I digress.  The advantage to setting the bar high is that no one can blame you for not completing your resolution, “Sorry guys I didn’t complete my New Year’s Resolution.  I just could not, for the life of me, part the Red Sea with a wave of my staff.”  Your friends will obviously understand your dilemma.  But, if you do, on the off chance, complete your God-like task, you will be revered a hero for the rest of your life.  In other words, you can’t lose.

While the rest of Americans attempt to carry out what they promised to themselves with hard work and determination, you can rest easy knowing that your resolutions can easily by checked off, or physically can’t be completed.  This is where the true genius of my plan comes in.  While everyone else beats themselves up trying to “better” themselves, you can do stuff that you actually want to do.  You can better yourself by having fun.  This, in turn, will make you happy because you are doing the activities you love.  Sure you may become morbidly obese and unable to perform tasks that your “healthy” peers can, like touching your toes, but you will be fat and happy.  Being able to run a mile is lame and irrelevant in today’s society.  Outdoor activities are for squares, and you are a circle.

Alright, now for the real genius part of my entire master plan.  Are you ready?  World-domination.  Yeah, I said it.  I mentioned earlier how everyone else will be trying to better themselves with their New Year’s Resolutions which will keep them preoccupied for about two weeks.  The first two weeks of a calendar year is the perfect time to secure all the world’s power.  While everyone is taking selfies at the gym and captioning “New year new me!” you will be crafting your plan to take over the world.

Now I know what you are thinking, “Oh wise one, isn’t it a little hard to take over the world?  Hasn’t it been deemed impossible before?” To that, I say, “Exactly.”  You see, if you make your New Year’s Resolution to dominate the world, you have just created a virtually impossible resolution.  It would be very hard to pull off this goal, but if you do, you literally rule the whole world.  Continue to make the resolution to rule the world every year, and the longer you live, the more chances you will get and the better your probability of actually pulling it off.  However, in reality, you will be resolving to simply live as long as you can.  This brings us back to the extremely elementary resolutions.  With this method, you will be completing your resolution every year of your life while giving yourself the chance to rule the world at the same time.  It’s fool-proof.