You know what really grinds my gears during the holiday season?  Internet trolls spreading rumors all over the world wide web insisting that Santa Claus is not real.  Disgusting.  Anyone with the audacity to crush the Christmas dreams of little children should have their internet membership card revoked.

Santa Claus has enchanted millions of kids for generations upon generations.  Children have always been  sure to obey their parents and be kind to each other in hopes of receiving gifts and full stockings on Christmas Day.  Santa basically embodies the entire Christmas season.  If his image were to be squandered, every aspect of Christmas would never be the same for a young child.  Surely, a child’s view of Christmas is much more enchanting than that of an adult’s, why would anyone want to take that away?  My theory is that these internet trolls are envious of this childish Christmas charm, and if they can’t have it, then no one should have it.

I asked a six year old if she believed in Santa Claus and she said, “No of couwse not. I’m not fouw anymow.  My 1,027 Instagwam fowwowas told me that Santa is just a fat owd man who doesn’t even know what Twittow is.  He is honestwy such a scwub.”  Only twenty years before this I asked another six year whether she believed in Santa, she commented, “Why yes nice man I do believe in Father Christmas because I have no circumstantial evidence to support anything on the contrary.  Christmas is alive and well in the 90s.  Rockin!”  From these comparative quotes one can easily conclude that pre-internet Earth was a superior place.

Before the internet, little children had no reason not to believe in Ye Ol’ Kris Kringle.  It was as if every adult in the world had a coalition to protect the myth of Santa Claus.  These were the golden years of society.  Ever since the invention of world sharing and social networking, the legend of Santa has been tainted by internet trolls, and our youth has never been the same.  Without any motivation to please Santa for toys and goodies on Christmas day, children are going through their rebellious years in Elementary School.  Yes, the future leaders of America are all little brats.

It is no coincidence that millennials are lazy and annoying.  They grew up not believing in Father Christmas because of the internet.  They had no morals to live by and never had any motivation to be good little boys and girls.  Without any person to live by and require the constant approval of, they became the worst generation in American history.  Not to mention, they passed their hatred forward by continuing the tradition of spoiling Saint Nick to children.  This will most likely continue for all of eternity.  In other words, America is doomed and it is the internet’s fault.

What can we do to avoid this crisis?  STOP SPREADING RUMORS THAT SANTA DOES NOT EXIST.  Sure, we all know that Santa Claus is merely a lie fed to us by our parents to make us behave ourselves during the chaotic season, but we can’t let the children know until they are old enough.  Santa may not be real but the hopes and dreams of little kids are, and they are worth saving.

What many don’t realize is that children are very inquisitive, and can pick up on even the subtlest of hints. Even if a writer inadvertently spills the beans, it ruins a childhood just the same.  It is imperative to watch what you say this holiday season to protect the innocent minds of the youth, especially online.

Literally any kid could wander onto the internet and find any number of sites that say something about how Santa Claus is a hoax and BOOM, childhood ruined.  Practically any site can ruin a child’s Christmas season.  There is no way to monitor what goes on the internet or what kids look up.  Any site could be an unwarranted spoiler, anything from a major news page, to Wikipedia, to a school affiliated website.

Happy Holidays everyone. 🙂