Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for the blessings in our lives and all that we are grateful for. It is a time for family and friends, celebrated around a delectable feast on the third Thursday of November.  Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the holiday season, filled with laughter and joy for the whole nation.  “Turkey Day,” as it is sometimes referred to, however, is the doomsday for countless, harmless animals across the globe.  The slaughter ends this November with these three tips to enjoy a delicious feast without using any animal parts or animal products. As the French say, “Bone apple teeth!”

Tofu:  Turkey and tofu both start with T, therefore, they taste the same.  Tofurkey, as it is called, makes for a great substitute for the real carcass.  Here’s what you’ll need: 45 pounds of raw tofu, two artificial dog bones, and a large funnel.  Start with the tofu, empty the tofu onto a large working space.  Carefully mold the protein into the shape of a classic bird carcass (if you can manage the image).  Use the dog bones as leg and thigh replacements to give the replica its form.  Once the shape is created, insert the funnel into the rectum of the tofurkey (this will be used later).  Next, pop that sucker in the oven at 420 degrees Fahrenheit until it is thoroughly cooked.  A pleasant golden brown hue will cover the tofu, and it will resemble a turkey exactly, I promise.  Disclaimer, the dog bones might melt into the tofu, so avoid that area when you carve your tofurkey.  Besides, no one actually eats the dark meat anyway.

Stuffing:  No tofurkey is complete without its proper dressing.  Obviously, there are elements of a turkey stuffing that us vegans cannot tolerate, namely, the butter, chicken broth, and egg components.  A simple substitute for butter is vegan margarine.  Easy.  This also adds a touch of oil that will grease up the innards of the tofurkey enhancing the already exceptional flavor.  Chicken broth, on the other hand, is an abomination to this world.  The juice from chickens shouldn’t be a thing.  Instead, just use 5 cups of water with two chicken flavored ramen packets stirred in.  As for the eggs, 2 cups of powdered eggs will do.  To create this concoction, simply take about two handfuls of croutons, pour in the ramen water, and throw in as much margarine as you find necessary.  Bake that for 10 mins at the same temperature as the tofurkey.  Finally, shove the stuffing in the funnel on the backside of the pseudo-carcass, and voila!  You’ve got yourself a genuine tofurkey.

Mashed Potatoes:  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Ryan you silly (insert goose alternative, because geese have feelings too and should not be marginalized into a human insult) mashed potatoes are already a vegan dish!”  And this is partially true.  But it might be hard to enjoy a dish knowing that it has been manipulated by so many external forces that it barely resembles its original form.  The best mashed potatoes are straight from mother earth herself.  Simply walk out to your garden in your Chaco sandals, pass by your Subaru Outback, past your Bernie Sanders political lawn sign, look out at the Washington/Oregon/California skyline, and pick yourself out the best-looking potatoes you can find.  From there, acquire a smashing rock, and mash those potatoes right then and there.  This will ensure their full flavor and authenticity.  No additives necessary, carry the mashed potatoes on your smashing stone to your dining room table.  Guests are sure to love its raw, starchy flavor.

You are finally ready to enjoy your Thanksgiving feast.  Now don’t forget to mention the fact that you are a vegan to everyone you meet this holiday season, people are sure to appreciate your dedication to Mother Earth and her bounty.