Ladies and gentlemen, the season is upon us—Fall. The leaves have begun their process of photoperiodism, igniting the forest into a sea of yellow, red, and orange. Before long, they leave their branch companions and flutter slowly to the ground, marking the changing of the seasons. Needless to say, autumn is a sumptuous affair and an optical appeal for all ages.

Meanwhile, the infamous girl is on the prowl. She is hungry. It has been months since her last fix of the mineral she craves.  Her eyes are visibly bloodshot, nails chewed down to nubs, and her complexion is pale. She needs this bad.

She pulls on her vest atop an American Eagle flannel. Hastily, she puts on her favorite black leggings and creamy white leg warmers on her  calves. Finally, she straps on her chestnut tan Ugg boots. Before she leaves, however, she grabs her rose gold iPhone 7 encased in a marble Urban Outfitters phone cover, Snapchat at the ready.

With unparalleled speed, she uses her cunning senses to search for her prey. Pumpkin Spice is the lifeline of this teenage girl during the fall season. She consumes it any way she can, but most preferably in the form of a hot and ready latte. Her favorite hunting grounds are Starbucks, Dutch Bros, and Dunkin Donuts.

Once she has obtained her desired Pumpkin Spice treat, she takes to social media. She must alert her fellow white girls of the glorious spice’s return. Her Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter are overrun with black and white indie shots of mugs filled with Pumpkin Spice Lattes (PSLs) situated in scenes of fallen leaves and other autumn landscapes.

Frankly, it’s disgusting. Pumpkin Spice turns innocent teenage girls into borderline drug addicts with the simple change of the season. This fad rolls around once a year for about 3 months, then it is gone. But its presence looms year-round as people, albeit of all ages, rave over its splendid taste and aroma and how it “just reminds me of fall.” Chill out.

PSL enthusiasts wait for its arrival every year like the Great Pumpkin from Charlie Brown. These enthusiasts are like Linus, they talk excessively about how much they love Pumpkin Spice and how they can’t wait for it to come back; meanwhile, the rest of us are like the Charlie Brown crew, thinking you Linuses are all crazy.

Not to mention, the devil’s spice is horribly bad for your body. A grande Starbucks PSL with 2 percent milk and whipped cream contains about 20 percent of a day’s worth of calories and fat without providing the body any actual food. It also contains the equivalent of 12 teaspoons of sugar.

Nonetheless, girls across America obsess over this artificial beverage.  One such Air Academy fanatic, Sam Valtin, commented on PSLs saying, “Yes, of course, I love Pumpkin Spice Lattes.  I am a female, and I’m a teenager.”  This comment also perfectly illustrates the reason PSL fanatics have grown at such an alarming rate.  Teenage girls such as Sam feel obligated to this fall beverage simply due to the fact that teenage girls before her raved over its delectable flavor.  Chances are the majority of the PSL fan base secretly hates it, but they are too afraid to reveal their true emotions in an attempt to avoid isolation from their peers.Yes, I believe I have figured out the reasoning behind this fall epidemic.  How do we put an end to the peer pressure binge drinking and social acceptance issues among American teens? I don’t know, my job is to only complain about it.