I know you people don’t know our presidential candidates down to their very core. In fact, they may not even know themselves as well as I know these people. So, in my generosity, I have decided to write a detailed description of each candidate so you can decide who you want as your next President. You are beyond welcome for this insider insight.

Donald Trump- Wow. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? The man is orange, angry, and has small hands. But wow if I must say the man knows what he wants. The utter ridiculousness of the fact that Donald Trump can be our next president with what he has said should be enough to garner your vote. At this point, it is funny that this career is a possibility so why not. If you like a man that enjoys walls, degradation of minorities and women, and holds rallies that resemble a small county fair, then the man formerly known as Donald Drumpf is the man for you.

Ted Cruz- I am not making any accusations or anything, but Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. He eerily resembles a sketch of the Zodiac Killer and that is enough for me to believe that he is the greatest serial killer in modern history. His staunch views on ignoring science and having a wife less attractive than Donald Trump could turn the tide in his favor to win the Republican Nomination. If you like punchable faces and complete extermination of illegal immigrants, Ted Cruz is the man for you.

John Kasich- Why is this man still running? Do not vote for him please.  Crush his hopes so he can drop out already.

Hillary Clinton- EMAILS. BENGHAZI. WALL STREET. SHADY DEALS. HUSBAND CHEATED ON HER. Some of the many reasons the American Public dislikes the reptilian elite mistress Hillary Clinton. Honestly this woman has done a lot of shady things in her day and flipped her views multiple times. But if you don’t like her, it is not because of whatever reason you have, you are simply a sexist pig afraid of being a progressive. God Bless America.

Bernie Sanders- The man himself. Bernie Boy. He is like your angry old grandpa that is always yelling about something. He is trustworthy, smart, and down to Earth. Sounds like a perfect candidate right? Wrong. The man is a communist. DON’T LET THE REDS WIN.

We are so screwed for the next four years.