Thank the lord for corruption in sports. Honestly, without it, would international sports even make news? Yeah, yeah, yeah “soccer is the most popular sport in the world” or “the Olympics are so cool,” psh, but then why is the only time anyone ever cares about them every four years? Nobody in America cares about soccer besides when it is the World Cup. If people really did as much as their hipster-wannabe selves like to think they do, wouldn’t people notice the MLS? Everybody besides the communist Pacific Northwest could care less if their team ever won the MLS cup. What a joke of a league, they named their trophy after themselves because they legitimately had nothing noteworthy enough to name the trophy after. Also, let’s not be too quick to call USA soccer a powerhouse. It won’t be until I see Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson running down for a non-domestic attack that I will call us a powerhouse. However, aside from American Soccer, FIFA. If it weren’t for Sepp Blatter, the World Cup probably would be in places that actually make sense. If that happened, we would be force-fed MLS soccer during Sports Center in order to fill up their air-time devoted to pansy soccer fans.

Speaking of large international events being held in horrible places, Rio 2016! Great decision IOC, just wonderful. Perhaps due to the fact that Rio has an incredibly high murder rate, a deathly poverty issue, or a completely polluted aquatic area, you would think the IOC would have made a better event location. Alas, backdoor bribes of money got Rio their precious Olympics. If only they knew how much it really does not help an economy or the utter embarrassment they will feel when NBC reports live to the world how utterly disgusting the Rio De Janeiro aquatics area is. The poor rowers will have to work double as hard as normal due to the disgusting sludge of the water. It will be like rowing through molasses. Disgusting. Rio supposedly had a plan to clean up this pollution, but ultimately, they realized it was impossible to clean it up in time so they gave up. In other news, Owen Gibson, a Guardian Chief Sports Correspondent, reported on twitter that, “a human arm has been spotted at the sailing venue.” Wait. A human arm. An Olympic Event is hard enough but it is even harder when you have to go through Jeffrey Dahmer’s refrigerator. Also, because of the recent Zika outbreak in the country, officials will charge athletes for protective mosquito nets. That has to be a tough conversation to have with the athletes, “Congratulations on making it to the Olympics! Now pay 40 dollars to avoid Zika.” A harsh consolation prize for the non-medalist competitors.

Although the Olympics is a great time for the world to forget about some of the harsh realities of the world and the hostilities between countries, why does it only happen for a month? I get the sports part, but the lack of hostility?! It’s as if as soon as the Olympics stop, countries stop trying to get along and go right back to pointing weapons at one another. We get it North Korea, you have missiles, you don’t have to prove yourself, we understand you. Little man syndrome is perfectly normal. How about you stop trying to turn a bottle rocket into a nuke and start feeding your starving people.

I swear some dictators are just so small-minded.

Perhaps one day America will truly care about soccer or international sporting events. Until the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, NCAA AAA Baseball league, AA Baseball league, NBA D-League, every Junior Hockey League,  and Gym pick-up basketball league, all fade out of existence, that day will never come. Hop on the Jetstream Journal next edition for some more R&B Slow Jamz, later subordinates.