I will say in advance, you are welcome for this beautiful look into your future based on your astrological sign. This all is 100% real and you should certainly read into this a lot.  I, Dr. Mr. Sir Brady Becco DDS, have read the stars and looked into your life. Take a moment from your totally not worthless life to read about your future.

Aries: Honestly, if I were you, I would not leave the house for a long time. I saw a lot of death and harm for you. Or, if you realize that life is simply a meaningless abyss, go out as much as you can! Beware of Sagittarius, they are a predator and should be avoided, especially if you are a small child.

Taurus: Wow, Taurus, you are incredibly lucky. You will die no matter what you do… Congratulations.

Gemini: If you are a Gemini, for the rest of your life, you will be an absolutely perfect specimen. No matter what you eat, you will be absolutely ripped, you will be super attractive, and Dr. Ben Carson won’t be president! How lucky.

Cancer: Screw you Cancer. Stop making tumors and killing innocent people. I get smoking cigs creates you and that’s super cool, but don’t take OUT THE AWESOME PEOPLE WHO SMOKE CIGS.

Leo: I feel sorry for you, you’ve never won an Oscar. Darn shame.

Virgo: You, my friend, will never ever in your entire life experience true love. You are going to live the Frat/Bachelorette life for your entire existence. You lucky son-of-a-gun.

Libra: First off, congratulations on getting Muammar Gaddafi out of power. However, what happened at Benghazi? I see you interrogating Hillary Clinton in your future to figure out what happened. Also, show us the e-mails from Hillary you commie spy.

Scorpio: Please don’t sting me.

Sagittarius: Your future is hard to see amongst the stars. Perhaps this is a sign your future is murky. Be wary of travelers and strangers. Also, run from the law, Aries knows about your secret dungeon ;).

Capricorn: I see a big field in your future. Lots of corn stalks. Plenty of candy corn too. Stay away from scarecrows and their corny jokes. Hehe.

Aquarius: I see you overthrowing Poseidon and becoming god/goddess of the seas. Your name is super cool so you will rule all under the sea. Make sure to mutilate and boil alive that annoying, gross, singing red crab named Sebastian. He will murder your whole family, much like Sagittarius.

Pisces: You are a fish, you can’t read.

The stars have come together to create your future. You’re welcome for providing you with this insight into what to expect in the near future. I am reading one more thing actually, it says to tune in to R&B Slow Jamz next time, or you will die a horrible death at the hands of Sagittarius.