Time really flies by! There are so many things going on that I figure that if I missed them, then everyone else missed them too! Like when did Temple Run become so popular? That game is so wild! What happened with Swine Flu? Did people turn into pigs or something?

But some seriously big kudos to whoever made that wheel thing. Bra-freaking-vo. There are some serious possibilities with that round thing.

Hamurabi supposedly made a code for all the world’s computers, but I think he was from Russia because he always says that if you do the crime, the crime will do you, which translates to an eye for an eye in C+++.

I didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to make a road out of silk. What’s the deal with that? I bet there are as many holes in that fabric as there are black holes in the universe, which is a “hole” bunch.

“Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as the like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that’s now what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR!” (Mean Girls)

Does anyone else miss feudalism? The American Dream is overrated anyway. I don’t understand why anyone would want to live in a society where you can move up and down the social ladder.

Everyone should be careful about washing their hands too. Diseases can spread so quickly around populated areas that it’s actually really really scary. I think the last time there was a big outbreak was the Black Plague a couple of years ago.

Speaking of spread and trade, how’s the the mother country doing? Sometimes I miss the ways of the old country. I could really go for a Tea Party – maybe I’ll go to the one that is going to happen out in Boston! I hope there are tea cakes.

I’m not one-hundred percent sure what the Industrial Revolution was, but it sounds dangerous. Did anyone else hear about the steel strike? I guess Ray Caldwell* could just throw a really mean Spitball.

Napoleons aren’t just delicious baked goods, they’re also little angry men with a serious case of SMS (small man syndrome). Overcompensation for height is not the key to a happy life.

Socialism should be when the entire world goes to an ice cream social! I wish we could all be friends! But you know what they say: “The most social of all the fruits is the Lemon.” Or is it the Lenin? Same thing, right?

I can’t believe Abe Lincoln left! Where did he even go? I hear he really likes to go see his American Cousin at Ford’s Theater, but one day he never came out. I bet he ran away with that John Wilkes Booth character. They probably just used the underground railroad.

The other day I saw this amazing documentary about this huge ship called the Titanic that follows the story of two lovers who were on the ship. I can’t believe that those German U-Boats sunk the unsinkable ship! No wonder the US got involved in the war. I think the lead female role name was Lusitania or something weird like that.

Have you heard about Syria? I heard that there’s a crazy amount of violence and unrest. Yeah, they supposedly signed a peace treaty. We’ll see how long that one lasts. But that was back in like 1949.

Can someone fill me in on the World Wars? Is that really where the “Blitzkrieg Bop” came from?

Also, do I have to get rid of my scrunchie collection? I haven’t seen anyone wearing them around, but scrunchies are practically my spirit animal.

I seriously hope that this helped all of my wonderful readers catch up on some of history’s most recent happenings! Always remember that hear-say is the most accurate news source.

*An American major league pitcher from 1910-1921. He was on of 17 pitchers allowed to throw the Spitball after it was outlawed in 1920.