Santa, an iconic traditional character for the holidays, is in reality quite strange and disturbing.

Some of you may have made wish lists with mall Santas, or your parents lied to you told you that Santa was real.  My dad even remembers how his grandpa would dress up as Santa and place presents under the tree the night before Christmas to continue the ruse.  Others left out milk and cookies for Santa only to have them consumed by the dog that night.  Even though these traditions are burned into the conscience of some American families, let me show you the true nature of Santa traditions in a new light.

For this Christmas story, we will go through the odd and honestly disturbing behaviors of Santa.

Let’s start with malls. Children, eager for their wishes to be heard, take their place atop Santa’s lap.  Happily asking for a new iPad, some new sets of Lego, and a drone, the kid smiles up at the creepy, old guy.  And through a white beard, Santa smiles back.  A line of boys and girls waits to take their place with Santa, to hear their wishes heard.  Though this Santa is clearly fake, and not the one and only Santa himself, parents think this activity will satisfy the children’s hopes for fancy gifts. This carries on until right before Christmas, with hundreds of children exploiting the chance to sit on Santa’s lap.

However, there is only one true Santa, the one that comes into your house at night, breaking in through the chimney, Mr. Santa always makes sure to have his milk and cookies on the way out.

I almost forgot kids!  You have to remember that, as your parents have told you, Santa is always watching you, always, he knows when you sleep, when you’re awake, and Santa makes a list of the children who are naughty, and those who are nice children.  Santa gives the best presents only to the nicest of children, and those children are quite happy when Santa arrives with his presents.

It is on that fateful morning, after Santa has done his business and departed, the children unwrap the presents, and are glad that Santa has visited them.

But remember, even on the darkest of nights, Santa’s peeping.