With snow beginning to fall and the ski season about to kick off, many people can’t wait to get out and shred. Along with these skiers and snowboarders comes an elusive creature. It has been called out of seasonal hibernation, making its long migration west into the Rockies. These pests plague local ski resorts, swarming greens and the outdoor patio. These lightweights attempt everything from side-of-the run jumps to a mid-morning shotski. Every year millions of people are affected by this horrid creature, the Gaper.

With the help of Jerry of The Day, I’ve compiled a list of the gaper’s most striking qualities. When on the mountain, look for some of these indicators to determine if you have indeed stumbled across a gaper…

1. “Gaper gap” – While each gaper is unique, one of their unifying qualities is the “gaper gap,” a gap between the user’s helmet and goggles. This gap is often large and is accompanied by a Costco Baklava. If you observe a so-called “skier” with a 3-inch gap between their helmet and goggles, you’re either looking at the retired Broncos quarterback or a stone cold gaper.

2. Neon Onesies – Anyone with the guts to wear a neon onesie a) is a straight up gaper or b) somehow jacked Doc Brown’s DeLorean. The gapes believe it will help them get noticed when they’re walking 600 ft up the mountain to get their missing ski boot. Treat them like orange traffic cones and stay as far away as possible.

3. Pizza – “If you pizza when you shoulda french fried, you’re gonna have a bad tiiiime.” If Super-cool ski instructor taught me anything, it’s to never confuse your greasy fast food items. When you see a gaper hurlin fat fries into the lift line, plowin’ down children with their helmet covers, poles flyin’, you know he’s having a bad time.

4. Full send – A gaper will try anything to look steezy on the slopes. This includes huckin’ it off fat cliffs, logs, and just about anything they can find. They look better than any other skier on the mountain because they land with style… on their head. Bonus points are added for scorpions, lawn chairs, and my personal favorite, tacos.

5. Snow Blades – Unless your name is Chazz Michael Michaels or Jimmy MacElroy, you have no business wearing skis that are sized for a 6-year-old girl.

6. Footy – Every gaper for some odd reason feels the need to watch themselves, over and over again, eat ice and wipe after getting 2 inches of air. While everyone loves it when good ole’ uncle Jeff breaks out the footy, no one seems to know what the bump is goin’ on when a gape rolls down the mountain with a satellite dish on his back. The whole gape squad comes rollin in like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “Footy for the boys,” gapers will commonly say as they finish off their duct tape while attaching their VCR player to their head. Another gaper, attaches his HAM radio to his fanny pack while listenin’ to some sweet jams. Stay tuned for more.

Gapers can wreak havoc on the skiing community; but if you could give a single finna, even you may help fight the disastrous Jerry.  Stay thirsty my friends (for snow).