Having trouble in school or in desperate need of some dating advice? No worries, Dr. Trill is here to save the day.
First of all–for all you wondering–yes, I am the perfect person to ask. Nothing really fills that empty hole in my life like giving relationship-saving advice on where to take that special guy or gal. Before I go on, the following advice should be used only as a last resort, some sort of Hail Mary. To anyone already in a healthy relationship, you should still keep reading, because chances are you’ll be in the same boat as every other miserable couple in the near future.

The first thing you wanna do in any sort of predicament is lie to yourself. Say your special someone is upset because you ditched her to hang with her best friend on Valentine’s Day; the vital, and easy practice of lying to yourself must be your primary course of action. If you can convince yourself that this blunder was somehow her fault, then you will not have to generate fake emotions in the arguments leading to your inevitable break up. This goes for any problem in life, not just those that pertain to relationships. Maybe your teacher has finally had enough of your lack of work ethic. Before you lie to your teacher about why this is the case, lie to yourself. Simply persuade yourself that the reason for your faulty drive is someone else’s fault. I have an idea… just blame your teacher for being too harsh, and after you convince yourself, you can convince your parents, they can convince your teacher’s boss and badabing badaboom… your grade gets bumped.

If this flawless plan, by some strange chance does not work on your girlfriend or boyfriend, then it is time to get creative. In order to salvage a broken relationship you’re going to need to take them on the date of their life, one of the sorts they have never heard of. Instead of your typical ice skating on a controlled and safe rink, mix it up by taking him or her to a never before skated-on pond. Go rogue with this one. I mean, the less safe, the better. You want to come as close to a disaster as possible. As soon as you hear the ice beginning to crack, that’s how you know a good time is near. I guarantee you that this chick has never had a date end with the fire department pulling her out of a capsized part of a partially frozen over pond. Genius. And if this plan is too “erratic” for you, then I guess you just do not care enough about your sweetheart to take the necessary course to secure your honey.

Again, my invaluable advice is applicable in more areas than just relationships. For example, the last time you had a late assignment, you probably, in one way or another, blamed it on the “internet being broken” or your “computer getting a virus.” Your teacher probably did not buy those poor excuses, the reason being that everyone has heard or used those uninspired and impossible scenarios. Like, do you honestly think your teacher is going to believe your computer has a “virus”? It’s not a person, it can’t just catch a cold. That is just ignorant thinking. Anyway, the much more successful approach to making up excuses for late work is to make your story so outlandish that your teacher won’t think you had the heart to make up such a story. Instead of blaming it on some internet device mysteriously “falling ill” just be like, “Ms. Z, some creep tried to steal my laptop and he projectile vomited on my keyboard in the act. We stopped him before he got away with the device, but by golly if I am going to contaminate my gorgeous fingers with some weirdo’s puke.” No doubt your teacher will respond with the typical “uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh, well I’m sorry to hear that Johnny. Have an extra day for your assignment. As a matter of fact, have 50 points of extra credit for going through such a strange experience”.

So long as you perpetually follow the aforementioned advice, high school will be a breeze. Whether it be a livid special companion or an nagging teacher, Dr. Trill’s council is sure to get you out of any sticky situation. Keep it trill with R&B Slow Jamz. Peace. Mic Drop.