Welcome to Facebook. The first rule of Facebook is: you do not talk about Facebook…. Just kidding. The second rule of Facebook is: you do not talk about Facebook… But really. The third rule of Facebook: if you post a disgusting amount of selfies, you should delete your account. Fourth rule: there will be no more “truth is” or “to be honest” statuses. Fifth rule: like pages one like at a time, fellas – you’ll hate yourself for liking 2,001 pages. Sixth rule: grammar corrections will be written as long as they need. Seventh rule: stalk without liking, commenting, or sharing. The key is stealth. And the eighth and final rule is: if this is your first time on Facebook, pick an accurate profile picture.

One of the most plaguing problems on Facebook is the ‘selfie’ epidemic. The symptoms include paralysis of a female’s face into a pursed-lip pose known as the ‘duck face’ (but can also be referred to as Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigra, or Magnum – but I shouldn’t be talking about that), people taking pictures of themselves in mirrors, people taking pictures of themselves in mirrors with the flash on, people taking pictures in their bathrooms while standing or sitting on a toilet, people taking pictures in their bathrooms while sitting on the counter, people taking pictures of themselves at the top of the incline or any mountain, and people quoting useless, irrelevant, and beyond cliché phrases. Besides lame, inspirational quotes, putting #SelfieSunday in the caption does not make excessive selfie posts okay; it doesn’t make it ironic either. Both boys and girls who suffer from this horrid disease should be prescribed a healthy detox from their camera phones; this should limit their selfie posting to about one selfie per month.

Another annoying Facebook fad that is even more detrimental to mental health than the latter is the posting of “truth is” or “to be honest” statuses. Most of the compliments people write are bleak and insincere. Otherwise, they’re memories that don’t need to be posted publicly. Half of the time, the individual who likes the status doesn’t even know who the poster is. Also, don’t be that Facebook user who likes every “truth is” status they come across. When I’m Facebook stalking you, I don’t want to see another person’s opinion about you. It’s likely that I’m stalking you to form my own opinion (or I already know you’re a classy person).

Back in 2008, there was a sudden influx of pages that had relatable titles, and any title you related to, you liked. It’s still a problem now; you don’t even need a vine to know what’s trending because so many people share them. It’s generally agreed that liking those pages was the biggest waste of time, next to playing Farmville (by the way, don’t send other people invites that no one wants). Unless you enjoy seeing the same posts that you can find on iFunny or Reddit from complete strangers, avoid all of those pages. ‘Like’ pages that have purpose.

It has become common courtesy towards other Facebook users to correct their grammar when they are utterly wrong. Not only is the peer editing nice, but it’s always hilarious. An astonishingly large amount of students on social media don’t know the differences between homonyms that shouldn’t even need to be mentioned. But’re your probably’re already’re aware’re of’re the’re situation’re. The only thing more funny than a good grammar correction is a paragraph worth of grammar corrections. However, the only thing that can ruin a solid grammar correction is when the “correction” is wrong. When it comes to correcting grammar, don’t fake it; we will find you.

Along with Facebook will always come Facebook stalking and, of course, the peril of stalking blunders. Although simple, Facebook stalking can create social suicide when elementary mistakes are made. If you can’t control your index finger on a mouse, you should avoid Facebook stalking all together. You’re just asking to like a 2 year-old picture or status. Also, never ever take a screenshot of a person’s profile and then accidentally let previously-mentioned-person go through your phone. That’s an amateur mistake. And don’t ever talk about a person’s profile with them in person, unless you have that type of relationship with them. Basically: you can creep freely, but take caution and be stealthy.

Last but not least, if it’s your first time on Facebook, don’t you dare make a picture of a car your profile picture, or I will personally come find you when the Decepticons attack because you’re obviously a transformer. Make your profile picture something that accurately represents you; no one likes surprises.

Other rules for reference:

Facebook isn’t a therapist

When posting for ‘likes’, do it in the window when most of your friends are on.

Don’t troll.

If you want to use hashtags (pound signs) then just join Twitter. Seriously.