There’s something very dangerous swinging around the halls of Air Academy.

“I’ve almost been killed by them before,” said senior Olivia Joyce. “I’m shaking right now just thinking about it.”

Every day, Air Academy students pose unacceptable safety hazards by flaunting and twirling their Subaru or Jeep car keys attached to impossibly long lanyards. They fly through the air in a treacherous trapeze performance, threatening every student who dares pass within their reach.

“It’s brutal out there, dude,” senior Rose Jones said. She wears a full set of metal armor every day now. “One can never be too sure. Not these days.”

Not only do lanyards on car keys pose a potential safety threat towards other students, but they can easily pose a distraction during class as students incessantly fidget with the enormous bundle of metal, plastic, and nylon that constitutes a typical set of keys. On top of that, lanyards also distract drivers.

“I don’t like lanyards or lots of key chains on car keys because they get in the way; when you put your keys into your car [to start it], it’s hanging by your legs and gets really tangled,” said sophomore Liam Dohlvik.

On the other hand, lanyards can be beneficial for keeping track of your car keys and preventing loss or theft. Air Academy lanyards are sold in the front office so students can represent our school and differentiate themselves from standard promotional lanyards sold through local insurance agencies.

Lanyards themselves don’t cause any sort of hazard, distraction, or annoyance, but in the context of twirling and flaunting said car keys, lanyards begin to live up to their heinous reputation.

Most students’ core reason for using lanyards on their keys is to prevent misplacing their keys.

Sophomore Chelsea Webber stated, “[I would] use a lanyard on my keys so I wouldn’t lose them and could always find them if I needed them.”

Opinions across the Air Academy student community vary on the topic of lanyards and car keys. Although some may think lanyards are more of a benefit than a hindrance to students and people overall, ultimately they do more harm than good.

However, my goal here isn’t to pose a legislative conversation where lanyards and bulky car key bundles are outlawed across Air Academy. My goal is to ban them in schools nationwide.

“When I lived in Puerto Rico, there were no…lanyards,” said junior Crystal Camacho. A shiver of fear runs through her body as she says the dreaded word. “I just don’t feel safe here anymore.”

Of course, a major development must take place in order for a ban to be enforced, such as a large influx of students sustaining inadvertent injuries at the hands of lanyard-brandishing peers. However, if the education system doesn’t take swift action, who knows what could happen? Someone could end up in the hospital with a black eye or worse.

Lanyards are dangerous, devilish and ultimately destructive.

“You know why my hair is so short?” said Joyce, tears welling in her eyes. “It was the lanyards.”

The lanyards.

Contact your school superintendent and district representative to make sure these horrifying devices are taken out of students’ vulnerable, fidgety hands today.

Joyce wiped a stray tear from her cheek and took in a shaky breath. “You wouldn’t think they were that sharp.”

Stay safe.