FOX, CNN, MSNBC, and, well, every news organization recently announced that all social media sites and apps have been shut down–and they plan on staying unavailable forever.
Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of Facebook, made a direct statement to the Jetstream Journal about the situation.
“On behalf of myself and all others involved in the social media crisis, I apologize,” said Zuckerberg. “My coworkers and I realize that this came unannounced, but we feel that this world-wide shutdown is best for all.”
When asked about the reasoning for the shutdown, Zuckerberg seemed hesitant, but said, “The lizard memes…I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’M NOT A LIZARD AND I DON’T WANT THE ZUCC!!!!”
Many people, especially teens and young adults, have experienced massive changes as a result of the media shutdown. Some students at Air Academy have come forward, out of the shadows, illuminated by sun rather than the fluorescent white light of their screens.
These are their testimonies:
“I just talked to my mom today for the first time in five years,” said senior Andy Onimus. “Losing my phone really changed me. Seeing her face, I realized I should probably be nicer to her. She’s paying for my college, after all. Turns out she’s actually pretty cool for a mom.”
Senior Joe Doe voluntarily went outside during the days following the social media catastrophe. “There were birds, trees, other people–I thought those only existed online,” said Doe.
“I didn’t know it snowed in Colorado!” exclaimed sophomore Betty Kad.
“Seeing as I have nothing better to do, I should probably get my driver’s license,” said freshman Mary Lund. “I guess my parents will be happy that I’ll be able to transport myself, but it’s so much work!”
Despite the loss of popular media platforms, many students have kept up the trend of posting way too many selfies–even without the internet.
Freshman Jane Deer, one of AAHS’s most popular self-proclaimed Instagram models, said, “After Instagram stopped working, I started printing out selfies in the library and taping them around D building. I even got the secretaries to stamp them! Go leave a like by drawing a heart on the posters! Let’s get to 300 likes!”
“Jane? Yeah, I heard about her poster thing,” sophomore Ryan Falcon said. “I drew a mustache on one of her selfies.”
“I’m not sure where I’m supposed to advertise what I’m eating anymore,” said senior Liv Hall. “I heard Jane is posting her selfies around the school…maybe I’ll do something similar.”
Other students, however, are unsure what to do with themselves.
“I lost all my streaks,” said junior Bob Last, sobbing. “What do I do now? WHAT DO I DO?!?”
“Without social media I’m completely lost,” said freshman Laia Purple. “I used to get advice on things like what I should eat, where I should buy my clothes from, and the best locations to take pictures. Where’s the best place to take pictures of my Starbucks? I can’t even imagine what I’d do if Google shut down, too.”
While students are finding their own ways to adapt to this horrid situation and discover the world around them, adults are unsure on how they feel.
Some parents, such as mother Julie Urmom, are infuriated with the shutdown. “How am I supposed to track the everyday movements of my children?!” she exclaimed.
Proud mother Stephanie Rudd is displeased because she can no longer “post the successes” of her children. Both of Rudd’s sons participate in football, and she’s extremely disappointed that she can’t spam her Facebook with “beautiful pictures of Todd and Garrett.”
Administrator John Ton, on the other hand, has taken the news positively. “Kids have been so busy freaking out over the social media crisis, that I haven’t seen one vaping in days!”
Parent-Teacher Association President Stanley Poppy said, “I volunteered at a school dance this weekend, and over half the school was there! Sales on snacks were through the roof!”
Contrary to these experiences, the world-changing news has been received poorly in some areas. All communication from Los Angeles and New York has stopped as teens across both cities have taken over. Riots have sparked in Colorado as well, as young people across the state have begun destroying everything in sight.
Senior Susie Nim commented, “It’s pretty bad. People are starting to go crazy. My boyfriend works at the Apple store, and once the rioters broke in, I haven’t been able to contact him. I hope he’s okay. I don’t know how I’ll get another boyfriend without Tinder.”
“I joined the riot this morning and lit a car on fire, but then I realized I couldn’t post it anywhere, so I left,” said freshman Kyle Grape. “Guess I’ll go get a job or something.”
“This is an atrocity! How am I supposed to direct message my friends? How do I post on my story? I have to leave my house to talk to people now! Ridiculous!” junior Sofie Pole exclaimed.
Perhaps, without the influence of social media, today’s youth will enter a new era of outdoor activity, social interaction, and renewed humanity.
“This will be good for us,” said Zuckerberg. “Without social media, the reptiles can finally take over–I mean, the world will become a better place for everyone.”
In light of the social media shutdown, the Jetstream Journal’s instagram (@_thejetstreamjournal_) will no longer be functioning. Please send future questions and comments via carrier pigeon.
NOTE: All content in this article, including interviews, are satirical works of fiction for the Jetstream Journal’s April 1st publication. Please do not take any of this seriously.