Calling all zodiac signs! Today is a big day for everyone to have a spotlight!

Aries, it’s time to go hit on Saggitarius: they are indeed your best love match. Scorpio, you need to check every corner for Libra; not only are they your nemesis, but they may be scheming against you. Capricorn, stay away from the fire alarms–you know very well why.

Many intelligent millennials have discovered their astrological signs and tend to keep up with them, planning ahead for the future. They’re keeping in the back of their minds as they read that “something big is coming today!”

In these times, no one ever knows what’s around the corner, so only the most intelligent and angsty generations make sure to keep with the trend and the stars.

Any and every decision throughout the day requires a check with your horoscope. Perhaps you see an absolute hunk, whose attractiveness reaches the levels of David Hasselhoff and you want to hook up. Ask for his birthday and refer to this super handy chart to make sure you two will have a lasting relationship until the end of time.

Many know there are 12 astrological signs:

Capricorn (smart and hardworking, but as stubborn as my granny)

Aquarius (genius, but can be classified as a mime)

Pisces (really nice and compassionate, but a pathetic beta male)

Aries (quick and eager; basically an off-brand Usain Bolt)

Taurus (strong and trustworthy; a human red bull logo)

Although she may not be the best example, Taurus sophomore Caiden Green doesn’t believe in astrology, “cause it’s dumb.” Still, she gives a straightforward and honest answer which is beyond respectable.

Sophomore Tristan Guzman and  Taurus also does not believe in the signs as well. However, his explanation has a little bit more wisdom. “the stars are just stars, they are balls of gas, not a fortune ball,” Guzman said.

Gemini (curious and kind, but most likely a heartbroken pre-teen)

Another stunningly poor example, junior Jim Luke Barber says he’s a Gemini and knows about zodiac signs, but ultimately doesn’t believe in them. However, he has a chunk of knowledge anyone can genuinely agree with. He says “all of them have a little bit if truth so they’re like fortune cookies, [but] it’s made up.”

Cancer (protective and intuitive, but the clingy obsessive girlfriend)

Leo (dramatic and out-going; should be put in a zoo)

Virgo (quiet but somewhat enjoyable)

Libra (social and dramatic, but does not know how to shut up)

Scorpio (passionate and brave; the second coming of Bob Ross)

Sagittarius (extroverted, funny, and generous, a walking god)

However, there is a 13th, (and even quirkier and useless one) Ophiuchus.

Junior Brett Boyle (Gemini) also does not believe in these signs. He says because “that’s stupid.” Which is highly irritating for people to think about such invaluable knowledge, but nonetheless, respectable.

However, considering that fewer than a thousandth of the world’s population knows about the sign, it’s not worth explaining. The short version? Each sign corresponds with certain days throughout the year, in order.

The zodiac signs originated “from [tracing] the path the sun would take in the sky, and looking at the constellations the sun would go through. Ancient cultures did this before the Romans,” says astronomy teacher Cyndi Hatcher.

In addition, Hatcher identifies as a Capricorn.

As an explanation for why people believe in astrology, Hatcher says, “I know we kept all the names from the original constellations. It was taken seriously before we had…scientific knowledge, and it kept over.”

Unfortunately, Hatcher does not believe in zodiac signs.

To add insult to this common sense, Hatcher explains that “it doesn’t matter what sign you were born in; it won’t dictate signs you were born in your life, we have biological factors instead.” Which, as true as it may be, is utterly disgusting to think about legitimate scientifical proof that contradicts zodiac signs.

Hatcher also believes that people buy into them because “it’s so broad that it lines up with anyone.”

Even the student body is sadly ignorant of this magical astrological knowledge.

Although it’s very depressing to see so many people deny the legitimacy in life-saving, wonderful zodiac signs, it’s ultimately the people’s loss and fault for not believing in them. Hopefully, one day the world will know that zodiac signs are the savior of humankind, and listening to the daily horoscope of “your true love will come around Scorpio! Venus is aligning with the sun and 500389032 miles off, it’s also aligning with Earth. The real energies of these planets will bring out the lover in everyone.” Belief in zodiac signs will bring humans to their highest reaches yet.

**THIS ARTICLE IS PURELY SATIRICAL, ANY COMMENTS ABOUT ANY INTERVIEWEES IS FALSE UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE.