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Zero-Logic Policy

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Zero-Logic Policy

Live action shot of Jimmy's jaw fighting back against Chad's fist. Photo by Andrea Allen, used under Flickr Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/sloth_rider/755113558

Live action shot of Jimmy's jaw fighting back against Chad's fist. Photo by Andrea Allen, used under Flickr Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/sloth_rider/755113558

Picasa 2.6

Live action shot of Jimmy's jaw fighting back against Chad's fist. Photo by Andrea Allen, used under Flickr Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/sloth_rider/755113558

Picasa 2.6

Picasa 2.6

Live action shot of Jimmy's jaw fighting back against Chad's fist. Photo by Andrea Allen, used under Flickr Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/sloth_rider/755113558

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Jimmy “The Punching Bag” Johnson was a wee little high school freshman. His tiny stature and awkward demeanor made him a ripe target for bullying. But little Jimmy doesn’t have to worry, for his school has a strict Zero-Tolerance policy that the administration says is 100% foolproof.

The next day, Jimmy got the living daylights beat out of his cranium by Chad “Broken Home” Jenkins. Right hook, left jab, uppercut, atomic elbow—Chad wasn’t even warmed up yet, and Jimmy’s face already looked like a leftover plate of mashed potatoes with ketchup. I could almost hear David Attenborough narrating as the vicious hyena ripped apart its prey.

But wait—an unforeseen twist of events! In an act of pure bravery, Jimmy’s half-broken jawbone fights back against the ruthless attacker. In a swift second, Jimmy’s jawbone collides with Chad’s fist, dislocating the right pinky finger.

Chad jumped back in pain at his minor dislocation, and just like that, the fight ended. Jimmy laid in a victorious heap on the cold tile floor. His jawbone swelled with pride—or maybe internal bleeding; there’s no way to know for sure. Soon after, Jimmy passed out. He must have been tired from winning the fight.

When Jimmy regained consciousness, he found himself in the Dean’s Office sitting next to his assailant. The administration had to make sure they were completely cleared from responsibility before he could receive any medical attention.

Now, what better way to void responsibility than enforcing harsh punishments to both members of the fight? Chad had already been suspended several times, and the Dean had just remembered a study that found students missing school for suspension were less likely to graduate and succeed in life. Because of this, Chad was suspended for only 2 days.

On the other hand, Jimmy’s action was inexcusable. Didn’t he know that telling an adult is the right way to stop a bully from caving his face in? And the worst of it was his retaliation. He should have taken the high road and let Chad practice his MMA skills instead of having the audacity to fight back and dislocate his pinky.

Thus, Jimmy was given 5 days of suspension—or maybe 6; he couldn’t really hear over the ringing in his ears. In addition to the suspension, Jimmy would also be receiving medical bills for Chad’s injury and an added fine for any emotional distress that he may have caused.

These strict consequences were a must for the school administration to ensure that no student behave erratically like Jimmy did. After all, the school’s Zero-Tolerance policy had zero tolerance for such disgraceful action. How could Jimmy even think of harming a poor, troubled child like Chad? How could he—

Excuse me for a moment, I’m being called in to see the Dean. What’s that? One day of suspension, for me? I thought so; that’s quite a fair punishment for watching the fight. I had forgot to claw my eyeballs out before walking to class. My apologies, see you tomorrow. All hail the holy Zero-Tolerance policy.

***NOTE: The passage that you just read is satirical.

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Jonathan Flat, Managing Editor

Shalom le'kulam, my name is Jonathan Flat and I am the Managing Editor for this outstanding school newspaper. As a 16-year-old in the 12th grade, I'll...

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