The Jetstream Journal

Hey, Join My Cult

Photo+labeled+for+reuse+under+the+Creative+Commons+License.++https%3A%2F%2Fc2.staticflickr.com%2F4%2F3785%2F9344355964_078aed17ff_b.jpg
Photo labeled for reuse under the Creative Commons License.  https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3785/9344355964_078aed17ff_b.jpg

Photo labeled for reuse under the Creative Commons License. https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3785/9344355964_078aed17ff_b.jpg

Photo labeled for reuse under the Creative Commons License. https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3785/9344355964_078aed17ff_b.jpg

Robert Corl, Managing Editor

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






One day, an email titled “You’ve Been Selected” appears in your inbox from an organization called Elgnirk Sirk. It reads:

 

Dear Reader,

Have you ever felt rejected by society? Like you can’t relate to anyone? Have you, perhaps, had a dismal year and just want a couple of weeks to relax, discover yourself, and surround yourself with upbeat, accepting individuals? Well we understand that desire, and you can find that here with us at Elgnirk Sirk.

This year, our esteemed organization will be celebrating its 1,681st annual congregation. Over the centuries, our congregation has grown into an internationally recognized and revered tradition that millions across the world wish to take part in. However, we only offer membership to a select few, and we want you to be one of them.

At Elgnirk Sirk, we can fulfill all of your desires. For a small price, we can offer you a couple week camp full of other like minded-individuals and fun activities that are sure to brighten your spirits. We care about your happiness and understand that life can be stressful. We want you take this opportunity to kick back, relax, and take part in an opportunity only offered to a select few individuals in the nation.

At our couple week camp, members will take part in multiple activities with other members, each of which is intended to channel your inner chakras and form bonds with those around you. You can expect some activities like:

  • The annual burning of a tree
  • The cooking of tiny brown men
  • Group chants and mantras
  • The exchange of mystery boxes
  • Spreading the word of our organization
  • Collecting donations
  • Parades
  • Fictional story telling (lots of it)
    • Fun Fact: The basis for our camp was actually based on fictional legends that later developed into tradition

Elgnirk Sirk is dedicated to creating an enjoyable experience for you and your loved ones. You have been specially chosen and we would like you to become a member. We know that you will enjoy our camp, like many have before. After all, how else would we be where we are now if we weren’t successful?

For more information, visit our website at www.elgnirksirk.org or call our information desk at 202-456-1111.

We hope you’ll give us some consideration.

Sincerely,

Julenissen, CEO of Elgnirk Sirk

 

 

 

…A headline several weeks later…

 

 

 

Fake News Network:

BREAKING NEWS: CEO of renowned cult, Elgnirk Sirk, arrested in world’s largest ever Ponzi Scheme

For over several hundred years now, the cult organization Elgnirk Sirk has been exploiting consumers for money in what appears to be the largest Ponzi Scheme in recorded history.

Most prevalent in the last century, the ingenious plan has stolen over $1 trillion, in United States alone, from the pockets of average citizens. Utilizing its reputation as a “tradition”, the cult has managed to spread its tendrils throughout the world, while recruiting several million members each year.

Endorsements by corporations, governments, and religious leaders have also contributed to the cult’s longevity. Until now, the credibility of the organization has gone undisputed; and consequently, nearly 9 out of every 10 individuals have bought into it. Such tradition has even led to to parents teaching their children of Elgnirk Sirk from a young age.

Pervasive and dominant marketing schemes fill nearly every device in America from mid November to late December every year. Constant exposure to the cult has left the world blind to thievery and forced religious conforming on a global scale.

But on December 6th, all of that changed. At the desk of an average house in suburban America, a high school senior by the name of Robert Corl unraveled the mystery that was Elgnirk Sirk, one of the largest cults in human history (second only to some organized religions).

What he uncovered was this: Elgnirk Sirk is just Christmas. All of the clues point to it:

  • Elgnirk Sirk is Kris Kringle spelled backwards
  • The cult is 1,681 years old (the first time Christmas was officially celebrated was 336 CE by Roman Emperor Constantine)
  • Julenissen is Norwegian for Santa Claus
  • Their traditions are the same as Christmas traditions, but just described differently

In an interview with Mr. Corl he explained what he realized: “Society had been buying into this lie all along without even knowing it. We bought into this scheme just because it was ‘tradition’, and it was heavily marketed.” He later described how “society has a tendency to buy into popular things at face value without any further examination,” and Elgnirk Sirk certainly exploited this tragic flaw.

Without even knowing it, nearly all of society bought into a lie. It spent its money on a lie. It celebrated a lie. It transformed its function as a nation to accommodate this “tradition”. People wanted the supposed happiness the cult offered, and they would pay any price for it. Even then, people would pay more and more just to conform to what the rest of the people were doing.

In a way, everyone drank the Koolaid.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Leave a Comment

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




*

Navigate Right
Navigate Left
  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    Goodbye Scare Academy

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Columns

    5 Quality Shows to Watch ASAP

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Columns

    BREAKING: In a shocking turn of events, Dean of Students dress-coded!

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Columns

    Top 5 Off-Brand Items to Add to Your Shopping Cart

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    6 Underappreciated Holidays

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    Prom Date Needed: Please Inquire Below

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    The End of a Kadet Era

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    Top Seven Movie Soundtracks of All Time

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    A Solution to Teen Ineptitude

  • Hey, Join My Cult

    Halfwit Humor

    The North and South

The student news site of Air Academy High School
Hey, Join My Cult