The Jetstream Journal

The Holy Heist

A nun with a gun. Taken under the creative commons license

Julia Lillard

A nun with a gun. Taken under the creative commons license

Jake Werner, Copy Editor, Fun Facts Editor, Jetcast Editor

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What happens when nuns go wild?

Freeze! Now stick em up for our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ!

That’s right folks, none of us saw it coming. Who would have thought that the most righteous ones in our society would be the ones to do the wrongdoing? All of this madness started when two ladies dressed as nuns decided to go out on a beautiful August day in Pennsylvania and rob a bank. And no, this is not a scene from Ben Affleck’s The Town or Joseph Guzman’s Nude Nuns With Big Guns; no, this is the real deal. Then again, why are we surprised? We are talking about Pennsylvania, the home of a ghost named Fred in Easton and the world’s largest Yogi Bear in the middle of a forest.

The robbery began one afternoon when the two ladies decided to go to a bank and just, you know, rob it. One of them revealed a handgun and pointed it at a teller. Minutes later, the nuns made a run for it with exactly zero dollars and zero cents. I guess the Lord was not with them during this heist, perhaps they didn’t pray enough. The FBI took a look into this holy crusade and found that this was, in fact, not the only crusade that these women have embarked on. After their first crusade in Pennsylvania, they decided to hit up New Jersey and see if they could bring the light of their lord to the Jersey Boys. They were picked up by the authorities in Jersey after robbing two banks in Jersey and are now facing heavy charges for all three of their expeditions.

The two ladies in question are 19-year-old Swahilys Pedraza-Rodriguez from Connecticut and 23-year-old Melisa Aquino Arias from the Dominican Republic. Their motives are about as unknown as my understanding of drag force in AP Physics (shoutout to Mr. Boyle).

While I do trust the FBI, I felt like I needed to undergo my own investigation of what went wrong. My first logical step was to contact the media and communications office for Pope Francis, the head honcho of the Catholic Church. After spending hours trying to decipher Latin and trudging through a heap of Vatican websites, I sent in a request for an interview for the Pope. I have not heard back. Perhaps he is just a little busy. I am staying optimistic that they will reply.

While robbing banks is bad, these two ‘nuns with guns’ have really opened my eyes. I recently wrote an article about how the whole kneeling revolution is sweeping the nation https://thejetstreamjournal.com/16797/columns/halfwit_humor/when-sweaty-dudes-kneel/ (And yes, I am going to put a link to one of my articles because I am like that). However, these ‘nuns’ have turned me to the Lord, and I have now realized that the true, new, fresh, crispy fab in the United States is dressing up as something you are not and then committing crimes.

There has been a whole assortment of weird crimes that have been committed over the past couple of years. There is no better place to start than when an unidentified man in Newton Township, Pennsylvania (wow, what a surprise) ran around a shopping mall, flashing blind people. The Furious Flasher is still at large. There was also another ordeal around May of 2016 where a dude tried to light a squirrel on fire in his apartment building in…Pennsylvania. Ok, seriously? I am now fairly convinced that people in Pennsylvania just don’t know how to not commit crimes. Really? Who lights a squirrel on fire and doesn’t expect their actions to burn down the whole complex? These people need Jesus, but no too much Jesus, or they will end up like the nuns mentioned earlier.

While many of these crimes seem to be confined to Pennsylvania, Air Academy has definitely seen some wacky acts. Just this month (October), the boys’ bathroom next to the auditorium in D building saw an act of crime. Some students thought it would just be sooooooo funny to take literally all of the paper towels and toilet paper and shove them into one toilet. Security and the janitors are currently unaware of who did it, but they are going to take a look at security footage, not that they have cameras in the bathroom or anything. Uhhhh. Moving on…there have also been reports of students trying to vape through rolled-up posters. Students have also been seen trying to body slam the floor and head-butting doors while screaming at the top of their lungs.

I wish I was kidding, but I can’t even make this stuff up. Anyway, don’t do stupid stuff at school. Not only will you look stupid doing stupid stuff, but they will find you and they will punish you. Remember, if you play stupid games, you will win stupid prizes. Goodnight.

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2 Comments

2 Responses to “The Holy Heist”

  1. Dylan Featherston on November 1st, 2017 1:51 pm

    Fantastic article. You definitely have a thing for comedy. However, it doesn’t roll off the tongue very well at some parts.

    [Reply]

  2. Whitney Moran on November 7th, 2017 2:11 pm

    this is so funny. extremely well written jake!

    [Reply]

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